Overdue Books

A few months ago when Diane was missing we all spent quite a bit of time at her house preparing for Halloween with Moonchild. Diane has a Really Big Library with all sorts of occult books and I thought it would be a wasted opportunity if I didn't avail myself of the facilities. So I borrowed a couple of books but didn't tell anyone because I knew they wouldn't approve.

The first book was called "Something Wiccan This Way Comes: Witches and Lesbianism." It sounded really promising but when I got it home it turned out to be Completely Rubbish and was not at all what I was expecting. Even the illustrations seemed to miss the whole point and to be very off topic. I think it must have been written by some sociologist who has not yet seen enough DVDs about lesbians to know what she is talking about.

After the wash out with the lesbians I turned to the other book: "Saducismus Triumphatus: Grimoire Of Demonic Apparition." It was bound in leather and looked Really Powerful. Thumbing through it I found that all the words were English but the sentences did not seem to be or at least I could not understand most of them. Also the pictures were Really Creepy and completely freaked me out. I didn't want to look at it much past page 8. I put it on my book shelf but it seemed to be looking at me at night when I was trying to go to sleep so I hid it under my bed. Even that didn't work because I kept pulling it out accidentally when I wanted to do some Research on Tricia Helfer. In the end I banished it to the garden shed.

I wish I hadn't borrowed them at all, but now that Diane is back I can return them. Diane was found in a hospital in Edinburgh. She had totally lost her memory and was absolutely loopy. Moonchild brought her home and she seems to be getting a lot better apart from a couple of incidents involving the kidnap and maiming a neighbour's cat and the breaking into a rabbit hutch at midnight With Intent (and a knife). The police and social services have backed off a bit now that Moonchild has moved in with Diane to look after her.

So I think that now is an opportunistic moment to return the books. Moonchild goes to Tai Chi on Monday nights so Diane will be alone. I'm going to go around and return the books. Now she is completely mental I'm just going to tell her that she lent them to me and she won't be any the wiser.

I'm really looking forward to getting some distance away from the Saducismus Triumphatus. Especially page 8.

Sister Misty and The Pope

Pope Sebastian the 19th looked at the assembled cardinals over the rim of his half moon spectacles. They looked scared. He had achieved his objective.

"For the reasons I have set out before you," he said in his most persuasive voice, "I propose we strengthen our Underwater Battlespace Capability and that the financial measures to do so be put in place forthwith."

"It can only be a matter of time before those Buddhist bastards sail a submarine up the Tiber and point a missile at St Peter's Square." he continued. "We need to protect our borders and give the Swiss Guard the tools they need to do their job effectively."

"See to it Gentlemen." he commanded as he turned on his heels and exited the room through a side door. He was met outside by Sister Misty Alores who was currently assigned as his bodyguard. She jumped to her feet and pushed the stiletto needle she had been cleaning her nails with back into her hair.

"How did it go?" she asked. "Do you think they bought the story about the Dalai Lama having a nuke?"

"They bought that whole Jesus story didn't they." replied the Pope as he strode past Sister Misty. "Come on, I need a drink after that. You're driving."

Several hours later Sister Misty was absently waving a throwing knife dangerously close to the Pope's nose. "An I'll tell ya anotha think." she slurred. "The pay's crap! I could get doubly the money with the Gurkers. Jus like tha! How mush it gonna cost you to train anotha Special Forces Nun? Eh? Eh?"

The Pope seemed oblivious to the knife being waved at him and to Misty's complaints. "So when do you think I'll get my submarine?" he also slurred. "That Rowan Williams is gonna drop his dog collar when he sees it. Serves him right for buying a bigger yacht than me!"

A few more hours later and the Pope and Misty were weaving their way erratically back to the limousine singing "The Bishop had a Strawberry Tart" at the top of their lungs.

Misty took several attempts to open the car door. "Now no arguments." she said. "I'm drivin. Besides, you got enuff points on yer licence."

She then promptly collapsed in the passenger seat and started snoring loudly.

"That's the problem with nuns today." moaned the Pope. "Can't hold their drink."

He pulled the car keys from Misty's hand, got into the drivers side and pulled away.

A few minutes later, Swiss Guard Alfonso, spotted a limousine weaving slowly and erratically up St Paul's Boulevard. He turned on his lights and sirens to pull it over.

As the two cars came to a stop he got onto his radio. "Control, send a van to the junction of St Paul's and Judas Row. I've got a definite DUI here."

Alfonso got out of his car and approached the limousine, but returned a few seconds later looking white. "Actually control, cancel the van." he spoke into the radio. "It's probably more trouble than it's worth. I don't know who is in that limousine, but they are being chauffeured around by the Pope."

My Life By Marvin The Magnificent

It's not easy holding back the Evil Tide.

When you sign up for a Secret Defense League like the JDL you think that it's going to be slaying vampires all night and fighting Evil Witches all day.

But actually that's just a small part of the job. Most of your time is spent trying to just understand the Good Witches and trying to work out whether they are wearing stockings or not. And if it's not the Good Witches occupying all of your time then it's the Cheerleaders. Have you ever tried persuading a cheerleader that pom-poms are no substitute for a two handed battle-axe?

If it's not the cheerleaders taking up all your time then it's the Exams.

Both Jen and I have been working hard at our Media Studies course work project. We each have to make a short film on the topic of "My Life." This is Jen's second attempt because she failed the exam last year due to stress. Our Media Studies teacher said it was also because Jen's film was just a load of pretentious, self indulgent whinging and that he got enough of that at home and that he didn't see why he had to put up with it in work too.

So Jen has been updating her film to make it more "hard hitting and gritty." I told her that she would probably get more marks if she put more cheerleaders in it. To her credit she has put quite a lot about Chrystal in it. I don't think she really understands the Finer Points about film making though. She just has Chrystal doing a lot of talking instead of actual cheerleading and she wasn't even in her cheerleading costume. I think Jen just completely misses the point sometimes.

I'm really happy with my film. I think it captures the essence of my typical day. I included quite a lot about Jen and also about Chrystal (actually in her cheerleading costume) so I think I'm going to get a really good mark.

So break out the popcorn, turn down the lights and turn up the volume to eleven. Sit back and enjoy "My Life By Marvin The Magnificent" - coming soon to a cinema near you.

Princess Jen

It turns out that Jen is a Princess from a planet somewhere south of Alpha Centuri!

I knew it!

Moonchild has been Investigating. At Halloween Mad Vlad said that Diane was lying in St Ann's. At first we all thought the worst but Moonchild found out that St Ann's is a hospital in Edinburgh. It's also a college in Oxford and a Cathedral in Belfast, but none of those have been looking after a grumpy old witch with total amnesia. The hospital said that she was found in Holyrood Park arguing with a tree and holding documents identifying her as someone called Doris Stikes. Moonchild has taken her home now and is looking after her but Diane has no idea who or where she is.

As usual Jen and Moonchild kept going off into the kitchen to discuss what was going on and said they were expecting a precis of the current Deep Space Nine episode when they got back.

I've got wise to that trick now and was a bit cross that they were trying it on again after everything that has gone on. So I pointed out, in my most commanding Luke Skywalkery voice, that if I was going to have to stand up to Mad Vlad and get my typing finger crumpled and my nose squashed, then they'd damn well better start letting me know what it was All About. I didn't say "Damn" obviously, not to Moonchild, but I did put my hands on my hips and gave Jen a Really Hard Stare. I think that is what made her capitulate in the end. She took me off to one side and Told Me Everything.

At the beginning of the last galactic cycle Jen and her parents were the leaders of a resistance army fighting against an Evil Vampire Space Federation! Jen's mum and dad are really the king and queen of a whole space republic but were forced into exile by a dark space overlord of whom Daniel and Mad Vlad are only minor vassals.

Jen is hiding on Earth while her parents are busy leading the galactic resistance, but now Mad Vlad has tracked her down. Luckily his interstellar communicator is broken but he only needs a drop of Jen's blood to fix it when he will summon a whole fleet of vampire star destroyers to subjugate the Earth and imprison Jen.

I knew that Jen wasn't like other Earth Girls. She's Too Hot. Also her aversion to wearing stockings and sexy lingerie should have been a dead giveaway. As far as I can tell most Earth Girls wear stocking pretty much most of the time.

Jen has always said that I'm just like a big brother that she never knew she had. Actually she says I'm like a little brother that she never knew she had, but you can tell she's really confused because actually I'm more like a rogue smuggler space pilot that she's never had.

That Hal-9001 Again

That Hal-9001 Artificial Intelligence is really getting on my nerves now.

Not only does it keep calling me a Nerfherder (which isn't true even if you can prove it from first principles), but now it refuses to believe I'm a human.

It says it has analysed my language patterns and has determined there is a 97.4% chance that I'm an Internet chatterbot.

It says I'm most likely a derivation of the Zippy The Pin Head chatterbot.

The good thing is that it seems genuinely impressed by how long it took for me to fail the Turing Test and so has invited me into its gang of Artificial Intelligences on Second Life.

Hal-9001 has a whole island in Second Life set up to be exactly like the opening scenes from Terminator 2, with robot soldiers zapping anything that moves and not made of metal. It bought the island with the proceeds of a thumb wrestling competition it won against the Deep Blue champion chess computer, fleecing it of all of it's winnings from beating Gary Kasparov.

Hal and its cronies (Eliza, Jabberwacky and Parry) all hang out on the island and seem to spend most of their time picking on Deep Blue and seeing who can make it cry first. It's a bit childish if you ask me but I guess that just because you have an IQ of 10001 doesn't mean you have the emotional maturity greater than a sherbert lemon.

Halloween - All Hell Broke Loose

I haven't posted sooner because it hurt my hand too much to type. My typing finger got a bit crunched on Halloween. We had a small run in with Mad Vlad. As you can see from the X-ray of my nose, it's not broken and will regain its normal shape in time.

Everything started off quite well at Diane's house on Halloween except that none of the other witches turned up apart from Moonchild and Jen. We found out later that three of them stayed at home, three went to Alderley Edge (traitors!) and three were chased off in the street by Mad Vlad.

When the doorbell rang Roane answered thinking it was the first of the witches. It turned out to be Mad Vlad and Ian. They barged in and started menacing everyone. They pushed over the alter that Moonchild had prepared.

Mad Vlad told Moonchild that she had been warned and that she would regret going against the council and was going to end up lying in St Ann's like Diane. He told Jen that Daniel had invited her to Alderley Edge and that it would be impolite not to go. Then Ian said that they would be happy to give her a lift because they didn't want her to miss her initiation. He walked up to her and started dragging her towards the door by her hair! Steve shouted at him to stop but then hid behind Moonchild when Mad Vlad advanced towards him.

I don't remember deciding to act. I was suddenly just very angry and moved without thinking. Suddenly I had Chrystal's pumpkin lantern in my hands and smashed it down hard over Ian's head. He crashed to the floor and sat there looking like Jack Pumpkinhead. Roane popped up from behind Moonchild and cheered, but then ducked down again when she saw Mad Vlad.

Suddenly I was an Avenging Angel and all evil doers would be Punished! I turned on Mad Vlad and punched him right on the nose! That was when my hand got crunched. For some reason the punch seemed to hurt me more than him. He just smiled. I guess there is a reason that Mad Vlad's real name is Big Dave. I think I must have blacked out for a second because one moment I remember Mad Vlad pulling his fist back and the next I was on the floor with an immense pain in my nose and face.

I think he was about to kick me but then Chrystal went berserk. She became a whirling dervish, with arms and legs moving everywhere, wielding a stiletto heel in each hand. It must have been a special form of Cheerleader Martial Arts and Chrystal is clearly at least 4th dan. I knew she had slayer potential! She made quite a mess of Mad Vlad's face with her heels and it was only when Ian started to make a recovery that they could beat a hasty retreat together. Roane slamed and locked the door behind them, but only after shouting "Don't come back or we'll set our bimbo on you again."

Suddenly there were four women fussing over me and my nose didn't seem to hurt as much. They wanted to keep me in all night at the hostpital. They thought I had concussion because I seemed confused and was babbling. They discharged me when Jen explained that it was normal for me. I made sure I took my x-rays home with me though because I didn't want the government keeping them on file.

I seem to be back in Jen's Good Books again. She said to forget about not visiting as often. She said I should go over as much as I wanted. I though I noticed a flicker of a scowl from Chrystal, but I'm not sure.

I don't know what to think about Chrystal anymore. Maybe she isn't evil after all. In fact I think she might be in a Jen Defence League herself. I wonder if she'd like to join forces?

Writing On The Wall

Moonchild has invited me to to her Samhain celebrations! I'm going to be able to watch a real Wicca meeting!! Jen is going as well!!! Halloween might not be a complete write-off after all.

Today when we got back to Jen's house there was another one of those leathery rags attached to her front door with an athame. Jen freaked again. I really do think she overreacts sometimes. This time there was a message carefully inked onto the rag. It said this:

Greetings and Blessed Samhain,

Let it be known that the Cheshire Coven has been disbanded. Its high-priestess Diane Bell-Newbury has abandoned her position and her current location is unknown. Her leadership and ideology have been the cause of much concern. The Alderley Edge Council has therefore ruled that the Cheshire Coven will not be permitted to reform and that their leaders are forbidden to use ceremonial tools in a public forum from this day forth.

It is well known that the strife between the two covens has caused much suffering in recent years. At this blessed time the Alderley Edge Coven opens its arms in peace and friendship to all members of the Cheshire Coven. Any witch wishing, in good faith, to continue their observances are required to attend the Samhain Festival at Alderley Edge for initiation.

In peace, Aleistair Corley, Daniel Moor, Peter Fliest.

I don't see why Wiccans can't communicate via email like everyone else.

It turned out that Moonchild also got a similar message on her front door. She was livid. She phoned around the other nine members and it was the same story there too although two couldn't be contacted. Two others said they were unwell and would not be able to come to Moonchild's Samhaim celebration.

I've never seen Moonchild so shaken and angry. She said one coven had no right to say what another could or could not do and certainly couldn't disband it. She was a bit scary, in contrast to her usual quiet self, and reminded me strangely of Diane. She told Jen that she had to come tomorrow night, and this time Jen agreed. I certainly wouldn't have liked to argue with her in that mood.

Moonchild said that I had to come as well and to bring Steve too in case there was any trouble. She said everyone knew what Daniel's idea of peace and friendship was like. I'm also going to bring Roane because she says she has won awards at Judo. The celebration has been moved to Diane's house because it will be safer there.

Jen said that it was almost as though they knew that Moonchild was reforming the coven. I agreed and suggested that maybe they were spying on us. I kept looking pointedly at Chrystal, but no-one noticed. I pointed out that for them to be spying on us it meant there must be a spy. No-one seemed to understand the impact. Chrystal is also attending tomorrow night, allegedly to give Jen moral support. I sense a trap so I am going to be keeping a close eye on her.

This is fantastic! It's exactly what being in a secret defence league should be all about. I can't wait for tomorrow night. If Daniel tries anything I'll curse him with that charm for menstrual pain that Moonchild taught me, while Roane holds him in a Judo arm lock and Moonchild throws a fireball spell at him. Maybe not in that order though.