Party Preparation

There is not long to go now before The Party. I'm getting a bit stressed out because of all the things that need to be arranged. I didn't know there would be so much to think about.

Steve is being no help at all because he's miserable that he finally lost his job at his building society for gross misconduct. I really can't understand what his problem is. He's had a couple of months suspended from work but still got paid, and now he's got the rest of the summer to enjoy without any responsibilities or worries. Then, he gets to start his new Glamour Photography Business. Lucky Git. I would have gone into partnership with him but Dad put his foot down. Also Jen kept scowling whenever I brought it up.

Apart from me and Steve it's only Girls that are coming to the party: Jen, Moonchild, Chrystal and lots of Cheerleaders. I'm hoping Jen will get a bit jealous when she realises I know so many Girls, although I'd have expected her to act a bit more unreasonable when I told her Chrystal and the Cheerleaders were coming. She just said it would be someone to talk to. I think she missed the point. I pointed out that Chrystal was That Really Hot Babe from the Cheerleading Squad. Jen said I should be careful around those "Wham Bam Thank You Man" girls because I would hate myself in the morning. I told her not to be so sexist around Chrystal because hot babes hate that sort of thing. I could tell by her face that she realised her mistake.

My Dad says that when he goes away he's going to leave me 50 quid in case of emergencies, so I'm going to buy a case of Stellar Artois in case anyone wants an emergency beer at the party. Also to break the ice I've bought some Party Games. Steve says that girls are experts at playing games. I bought Twister and Electronic Spin the Bottle. I also suggested Truth and Dare, but Steve said girls couldn't tell the Truth if it was tattooed on their arse. I'm not sure what he means, but I think he doesn't want to play. I think the Drusilla Twins have given him premature aging.

The Voice of the Resistance

Every year in August my Dad goes to a big two day UFO convention in Southport. I think he's trying to find out about where Mum is so that he can form a plan to abduct her back. I used to go with him to the conference when I was younger, but this year he says I am responsible enough to stay at home On My Own.

This is brilliant news! It's the perfect chance for a Party! Jen won't ever have a party at her house because of all the mess, but I don't think Dad will notice. I'm inviting everyone I know: Jen, Moonchild, Steve (I suppose), Chrystal, the rest of the Cheerleaders and anyone who knows me on MySpace.

Chrystal was a bit surprised to hear from me when I phoned to invite her because we have not been in touch since the end of term. She seemed a bit reluctant to come at first but agreed after I told her there would be other Girls there.

I told Jen that she can stay over at my house on the night of the party and that she can have my bed if she wants it. That way she doesn't need to be worried about going home on her own and also she can get really drunk if she likes. However she said she'll just get a taxi home, but I bet she'll change her mind on the night.

If the weather improves for the party we could have a barbecue in the garden and everything! I'm not hopeful though because it hasn't stopped raining all summer. It seems like monsoon season here in Manchester at the moment. It must be all the Global Warming. My GCE Science teacher said it's all down to people having the central heating on too high all the time and not wearing enough jumpers. I've noticed that Chrystal isn't a particularly jumpery person. I think it's all her fault it's raining. She doesn't wear enough jumpers for an entire troupe of really hot lingerie models. I'm not complaining though.

Dad says the global warming is caused by the Alien Armada. He says that Giant Alien Lizards, used to a hot desert climate, are heating the planet and that this is the first step to invasion. I think he's mad because the aliens are more probably Giant Alien Rodents and so would have no interest in heating up the planet. In any case I don't see how this ties in with all the rain. Maybe the Aliens are actually Giant Alien Fish and are trying to flood the whole planet.

Maybe the planet would calm down a bit if Chrystal would keep her top on once in a while. On second thoughts I don't see why everyone should be miserable and be forced to change their lifestyles just because of an Alien Invasion Force. If the invasion is inevitable we may as well all take our tops off and have one Great Big End Of The World Blowout Party before they arrive and have to eat us. That way there will be no one left for them to oppress and everyone will be happy.

So that's my Whole Plan. While my Dad is out plotting against the aliens I'll be having a big passive resistance party and see if I can convince Jen to take off her jumper in defiance of the rain. Maybe Chrystal will help me to persuade her.

Potter

That's right. Spend all week reading Harry Potter. Don't bother about voting in my "Bad Babe Of The Month" poll. I don't care. Just don't expect any help from the JDL when there's a vampire in your cellar that's all I can say.

I bet you won't get any help from Saint Harry Potter either. He's too rich and famous for that now. Also he's a Fictional Character. You didn't think of that did you? How do you expect a Paper Wizard to protect you from Evil Witches? What's he going to do? Throw paper clips at them? Don't think for one minute that I'll be sending Steve, Chrystal or any of the other Cheerleaders out to help any Harry Potter Sympathisers. If you find a ghoul in your lunch box you're on your own.

You've made your bed so now you are going to have to lie in it with Potter and his magic wand. You could have had Chrystal, but it's too late now. You've made your choice. I'm disappointed.

Harry Potter

I don't know what all this hype about Harry Potter is all about.

So he's a Teenage Wizard. Big deal. I'm six months older than Harry Potter and was a teenage Wizard before he was, but you don't see anyone making a big fuss about me. He hasn't even got a cool name. If I was him and a famous wizard I'd call myself Potter the Prestidigitator or something. He's got no imagination.

So his parents were killed by Lord Voldermort when he was a baby. My mum was abducted by aliens when I was little but I don't make a big deal about it.

It annoys me that all his enemies are really pretentious. Lord Voldermort indeed. I'd like to see Harry Potter take on Daniel and Mad Vlad for five minutes. He'd run a mile. And where are all the vampires? There's only been one in the whole series and he was a goody. What a cop out.

And the Death Eaters - give me a break! Daniel's Womens Beach Volleyball Militia would make quiche eaters out of them. Those volleyballs really hurt you know.

Even Harry's friends are rubbish. OK, so one of his best friends is a witch, but Hermione is not exactly a Hot Goth Babe like Jen is. He hasn't even got any Sexy Cheerleading friends. Come on! Where is the Chrystal character?

And Another Thing. That story about getting secret messages from Tom Riddle's Diary was completely unrealistic. He hasn't even discovered the secret messages coming from scantily clad pictures of celebrities on the Internet yet. He's just got no idea.

So I for one won't be queuing up at midnight to buy the next book. Everyone knows that Harry gets it at the end of the book anyway. What a loser, and completely unprofessional in my opinion. If it wasn't for Fleur or the lesbian subplot between Professor McGonagall and Mrs Norris I probably wouldn't even bother buying it.

Bad Babes

School Is Out! It's the end of the Academic Year and the start of the Summer Holidays. I started this blog right at the beginning of my first year at 6th Form College. A lot has happened in a year and I've learned a lot.

In Maths I discovered the hidden peril of the Number Zero and had to change to doing Media Studies instead because of my nerves. I met two Good Witches and a Cheerleader: Jen, Moonchild and Chrystal. I found out that secret messages are being sent to me (maybe by Leonardo Da Vinci and other Ascended Masters) using the Internet images of scantily clad celebrities. I became a Cheerleader's Monkey.

Jen and Chrystal have finished their A Level Exams and are waiting for their results. Jen seems to be getting a bit nervous about going to University in September and I'm getting really depressed about it. I don't image that Moonchild will want to hang out with me without Jen. With Chrystal going to University too, that means it will just be me and Steve again. Deep Joy. At least Jen isn't planning on going to the same University as her pretentious pillock of a boyfriend.

This blog started with a "Babe of the Month" competition. The contenders were Buffy and Seven of Nine, but Natasia Malthe won in the end. Natasia has been "Babe of the Month" all year, and so now it's time for another competition.

This time the competition is "Bad Babe of the Month". The contenders are:

Grace Park: a devious Cylon Agent from Battlestar Galactica.
and
Mercedes McNab: the Evil Vampire Harmony from Buffy The Vampire Slayer.

Vote by leaving a comment to this post together with a reason for your choice. There may be a spanking for the Baddest Babe, so get voting!