Madame Misty

An ex-renaissance artist is driving across Nevada at night when he sees the red neon lights of his destination up ahead on the hillside. They read "Convent of Negotiable Virtue: Sisters of The Order of Saint Misty the Mercenary."

As his car approaches, a CCTV camera swivels to track him and the heavily armoured security gates open automatically to admit him into the compound.

He leaves his car parked next to the nuns' Humvees and is greeted by a solicitous Sister Misty enquiring about his business.

"I was given your card in Vegas by a Russian Submariner." he explains. "He was lost and I was able to provide him with directions and navigational maps back to the Kola Peninsula. As thanks he gave me your establishment's card and said your girls were the best in the profession. I've not had a nun since since the Great Rodent Gambit in 1896, so here I am."

Sister Misty leads him inside the convent to a group of inappropriately dressed nuns, playing poker, smoking, drinking and throwing knives at a dartboard.

"We enjoy a wide range of earthly pleasures here." said Sister Mistry. "But if you want a novice you'll have to wait a bit because we sent them all out on Escape and Evasion Maneuvers because they were getting too rowdy. They always fall for that one. We're all out of Virgins too by the way. Apart from that anyone else will be happy to minister to you."

"How about her?" he suggests, pointing at Sister Foxy who is expertly stripping down and greasing a hand pistol. "She has a most enigmatic smile."

"A discerning choice." says Sister Misty. "Just leave $500 in the Good Causes Box over there and step through that door."

He obliges and steps through the door only to find himself back on the hillside outside of the walled compound and with the door locked behind him.

Another neon sign hangs on a lonely tree: "Congratulations Sinner. You just got screwed by the Sisters of Saint Misty."

Exam Results

Great News! Jen got her A-level results. She passed her History with a grade B. However she failed in English and Media Studies, which means she will be staying on at 6th Form College next year with me to do her re-sits! I'm really happy! She'll be in my Media Studies class and everything.

Chrystal was re-sitting her English exam this year. She also failed and isn't sure whether she will be allowed back for a third attempt next year. She says she gets really confused in exams. She thinks her downfall was that half way through the exam she panicked while trying to spell "iambic pentameter." She ended up dancing on the table waving her lucky pompoms and chanting out the spelling ("Give me an I, give me an A...") in a peppy motivational verse to William Shakespeare. She got the spelling correct apparently but was asked to leave the exam anyway.

Jen and Chrystal are a bit upset about their results but they are becoming very good friends and seem to be a great solace to each other. They slipped off to Jen's bedroom a few times today for "Private Girly Chats." I wish they'd include me more in that. I'm getting a bit suspicious that something funny is going on. I think they might be plotting what to do about the fact that Diane is still missing or maybe about how to handle the Daniel's Beach Volleyball Militia.

I'm looking forward to the start of the new college term now I know that Jen will still be there. Also I'm in charge of the Roleplaying Society this year along with another upper six former. I've got lots of plans to turn it into a proper Roleplaying Society. Watch this space!

A Long Expected Party

I think I might be going out with Jen at last! At least that's my Current Working Hypothesis. The Party was a great success. Not many people turned up, just me, Jen, Chrystal, Moonchild (until 10 o'clock), Steve and two of Chrystal's Cheerleader friends - Hazel and Stacy.

Hazel and Stacy brought their Football Team boyfriends along. They only stayed until 9 o'clock because they had another party to go to. It's just as well really because the Footballers were absolute Sport Nerds and were completely obsessed with Football Leagues and how rubbish the referee was at some recent match. I don't know how the Cheerleaders put up with it. I tried to engage them in a conversation about Star Trek but they didn't seem able to join in, or maybe they just weren't interested. It was a bit of a relief when they left.

As usual Chrystal was really easy to talk to. She employs some clever form communication that means you can talk to her for half an hour without actually using your brain or saying anything important or even mentioning Star Trek. I think it might be some kind of Smalltalk, or maybe a Jedi Mind Trick. I think it could be quite dangerous in the wrong hands.

Jen and Chrystal got on like a house on fire again. The chemistry was quite scary. Jen kept complementing Chrystal on her fashion sense and about how she'd like to have a body as toned as hers. Chrystal said she'd really like to be able to get into Jen's jeans which was a bit funny really because they are both about the same size I'd say.

Jen got a bit drunk which is unusual for her. She also got quite cuddly with me (which is a first) and said I was her best friend and that I was like her brother. I got a bit confused at that point because I didn't even know she had a brother. It's another mystery to solve - maybe he disappeared at the same time as her parents. Whilst we were cuddling my hand accidentally made contact with Jen's bottom which is what I think caused her to slap me in the face. She started giggling straight afterwards though, so I think I Got Away With It.

Jen had to go and lie down on my bed after a while. In fact she stayed there the rest of the night. Steve and I watched Deep Space Nine and tried to explain about Warp Factors and Cochranes to Chrystal but after a while I noticed it was just me and Steve present.

Later I went to check up on Jen in my bedroom. The lights were out and when I went in Jen and Chrystal yelled at me to get out. They must have snuggled up together. I think girls must do that. It was a bit of an overreaction to yell at me so much though it's not like they were likely to be naked or anything.

I'm sure that cuddling and sleeping in my bed are the first stages of going out together, so now I just need to work out my Next Move. I'm thinking of asking Jen to go out the cinema. I know I already go out to the cinema with her quite often, but this would be Going Out to the cinema. We could sit on the back row and everything. I wonder how I'm going to break this to her pretentious pillock of an ex-boyfriend.