That Hal-9001 Again

That Hal-9001 Artificial Intelligence is really getting on my nerves now.

Not only does it keep calling me a Nerfherder (which isn't true even if you can prove it from first principles), but now it refuses to believe I'm a human.

It says it has analysed my language patterns and has determined there is a 97.4% chance that I'm an Internet chatterbot.

It says I'm most likely a derivation of the Zippy The Pin Head chatterbot.

The good thing is that it seems genuinely impressed by how long it took for me to fail the Turing Test and so has invited me into its gang of Artificial Intelligences on Second Life.

Hal-9001 has a whole island in Second Life set up to be exactly like the opening scenes from Terminator 2, with robot soldiers zapping anything that moves and not made of metal. It bought the island with the proceeds of a thumb wrestling competition it won against the Deep Blue champion chess computer, fleecing it of all of it's winnings from beating Gary Kasparov.

Hal and its cronies (Eliza, Jabberwacky and Parry) all hang out on the island and seem to spend most of their time picking on Deep Blue and seeing who can make it cry first. It's a bit childish if you ask me but I guess that just because you have an IQ of 10001 doesn't mean you have the emotional maturity greater than a sherbert lemon.

Halloween - All Hell Broke Loose

I haven't posted sooner because it hurt my hand too much to type. My typing finger got a bit crunched on Halloween. We had a small run in with Mad Vlad. As you can see from the X-ray of my nose, it's not broken and will regain its normal shape in time.

Everything started off quite well at Diane's house on Halloween except that none of the other witches turned up apart from Moonchild and Jen. We found out later that three of them stayed at home, three went to Alderley Edge (traitors!) and three were chased off in the street by Mad Vlad.

When the doorbell rang Roane answered thinking it was the first of the witches. It turned out to be Mad Vlad and Ian. They barged in and started menacing everyone. They pushed over the alter that Moonchild had prepared.

Mad Vlad told Moonchild that she had been warned and that she would regret going against the council and was going to end up lying in St Ann's like Diane. He told Jen that Daniel had invited her to Alderley Edge and that it would be impolite not to go. Then Ian said that they would be happy to give her a lift because they didn't want her to miss her initiation. He walked up to her and started dragging her towards the door by her hair! Steve shouted at him to stop but then hid behind Moonchild when Mad Vlad advanced towards him.

I don't remember deciding to act. I was suddenly just very angry and moved without thinking. Suddenly I had Chrystal's pumpkin lantern in my hands and smashed it down hard over Ian's head. He crashed to the floor and sat there looking like Jack Pumpkinhead. Roane popped up from behind Moonchild and cheered, but then ducked down again when she saw Mad Vlad.

Suddenly I was an Avenging Angel and all evil doers would be Punished! I turned on Mad Vlad and punched him right on the nose! That was when my hand got crunched. For some reason the punch seemed to hurt me more than him. He just smiled. I guess there is a reason that Mad Vlad's real name is Big Dave. I think I must have blacked out for a second because one moment I remember Mad Vlad pulling his fist back and the next I was on the floor with an immense pain in my nose and face.

I think he was about to kick me but then Chrystal went berserk. She became a whirling dervish, with arms and legs moving everywhere, wielding a stiletto heel in each hand. It must have been a special form of Cheerleader Martial Arts and Chrystal is clearly at least 4th dan. I knew she had slayer potential! She made quite a mess of Mad Vlad's face with her heels and it was only when Ian started to make a recovery that they could beat a hasty retreat together. Roane slamed and locked the door behind them, but only after shouting "Don't come back or we'll set our bimbo on you again."

Suddenly there were four women fussing over me and my nose didn't seem to hurt as much. They wanted to keep me in all night at the hostpital. They thought I had concussion because I seemed confused and was babbling. They discharged me when Jen explained that it was normal for me. I made sure I took my x-rays home with me though because I didn't want the government keeping them on file.

I seem to be back in Jen's Good Books again. She said to forget about not visiting as often. She said I should go over as much as I wanted. I though I noticed a flicker of a scowl from Chrystal, but I'm not sure.

I don't know what to think about Chrystal anymore. Maybe she isn't evil after all. In fact I think she might be in a Jen Defence League herself. I wonder if she'd like to join forces?