Overdue Books

A few months ago when Diane was missing we all spent quite a bit of time at her house preparing for Halloween with Moonchild. Diane has a Really Big Library with all sorts of occult books and I thought it would be a wasted opportunity if I didn't avail myself of the facilities. So I borrowed a couple of books but didn't tell anyone because I knew they wouldn't approve.

The first book was called "Something Wiccan This Way Comes: Witches and Lesbianism." It sounded really promising but when I got it home it turned out to be Completely Rubbish and was not at all what I was expecting. Even the illustrations seemed to miss the whole point and to be very off topic. I think it must have been written by some sociologist who has not yet seen enough DVDs about lesbians to know what she is talking about.

After the wash out with the lesbians I turned to the other book: "Saducismus Triumphatus: Grimoire Of Demonic Apparition." It was bound in leather and looked Really Powerful. Thumbing through it I found that all the words were English but the sentences did not seem to be or at least I could not understand most of them. Also the pictures were Really Creepy and completely freaked me out. I didn't want to look at it much past page 8. I put it on my book shelf but it seemed to be looking at me at night when I was trying to go to sleep so I hid it under my bed. Even that didn't work because I kept pulling it out accidentally when I wanted to do some Research on Tricia Helfer. In the end I banished it to the garden shed.

I wish I hadn't borrowed them at all, but now that Diane is back I can return them. Diane was found in a hospital in Edinburgh. She had totally lost her memory and was absolutely loopy. Moonchild brought her home and she seems to be getting a lot better apart from a couple of incidents involving the kidnap and maiming a neighbour's cat and the breaking into a rabbit hutch at midnight With Intent (and a knife). The police and social services have backed off a bit now that Moonchild has moved in with Diane to look after her.

So I think that now is an opportunistic moment to return the books. Moonchild goes to Tai Chi on Monday nights so Diane will be alone. I'm going to go around and return the books. Now she is completely mental I'm just going to tell her that she lent them to me and she won't be any the wiser.

I'm really looking forward to getting some distance away from the Saducismus Triumphatus. Especially page 8.

Sister Misty and The Pope

Pope Sebastian the 19th looked at the assembled cardinals over the rim of his half moon spectacles. They looked scared. He had achieved his objective.

"For the reasons I have set out before you," he said in his most persuasive voice, "I propose we strengthen our Underwater Battlespace Capability and that the financial measures to do so be put in place forthwith."

"It can only be a matter of time before those Buddhist bastards sail a submarine up the Tiber and point a missile at St Peter's Square." he continued. "We need to protect our borders and give the Swiss Guard the tools they need to do their job effectively."

"See to it Gentlemen." he commanded as he turned on his heels and exited the room through a side door. He was met outside by Sister Misty Alores who was currently assigned as his bodyguard. She jumped to her feet and pushed the stiletto needle she had been cleaning her nails with back into her hair.

"How did it go?" she asked. "Do you think they bought the story about the Dalai Lama having a nuke?"

"They bought that whole Jesus story didn't they." replied the Pope as he strode past Sister Misty. "Come on, I need a drink after that. You're driving."

Several hours later Sister Misty was absently waving a throwing knife dangerously close to the Pope's nose. "An I'll tell ya anotha think." she slurred. "The pay's crap! I could get doubly the money with the Gurkers. Jus like tha! How mush it gonna cost you to train anotha Special Forces Nun? Eh? Eh?"

The Pope seemed oblivious to the knife being waved at him and to Misty's complaints. "So when do you think I'll get my submarine?" he also slurred. "That Rowan Williams is gonna drop his dog collar when he sees it. Serves him right for buying a bigger yacht than me!"

A few more hours later and the Pope and Misty were weaving their way erratically back to the limousine singing "The Bishop had a Strawberry Tart" at the top of their lungs.

Misty took several attempts to open the car door. "Now no arguments." she said. "I'm drivin. Besides, you got enuff points on yer licence."

She then promptly collapsed in the passenger seat and started snoring loudly.

"That's the problem with nuns today." moaned the Pope. "Can't hold their drink."

He pulled the car keys from Misty's hand, got into the drivers side and pulled away.

A few minutes later, Swiss Guard Alfonso, spotted a limousine weaving slowly and erratically up St Paul's Boulevard. He turned on his lights and sirens to pull it over.

As the two cars came to a stop he got onto his radio. "Control, send a van to the junction of St Paul's and Judas Row. I've got a definite DUI here."

Alfonso got out of his car and approached the limousine, but returned a few seconds later looking white. "Actually control, cancel the van." he spoke into the radio. "It's probably more trouble than it's worth. I don't know who is in that limousine, but they are being chauffeured around by the Pope."

My Life By Marvin The Magnificent

It's not easy holding back the Evil Tide.

When you sign up for a Secret Defense League like the JDL you think that it's going to be slaying vampires all night and fighting Evil Witches all day.

But actually that's just a small part of the job. Most of your time is spent trying to just understand the Good Witches and trying to work out whether they are wearing stockings or not. And if it's not the Good Witches occupying all of your time then it's the Cheerleaders. Have you ever tried persuading a cheerleader that pom-poms are no substitute for a two handed battle-axe?

If it's not the cheerleaders taking up all your time then it's the Exams.

Both Jen and I have been working hard at our Media Studies course work project. We each have to make a short film on the topic of "My Life." This is Jen's second attempt because she failed the exam last year due to stress. Our Media Studies teacher said it was also because Jen's film was just a load of pretentious, self indulgent whinging and that he got enough of that at home and that he didn't see why he had to put up with it in work too.

So Jen has been updating her film to make it more "hard hitting and gritty." I told her that she would probably get more marks if she put more cheerleaders in it. To her credit she has put quite a lot about Chrystal in it. I don't think she really understands the Finer Points about film making though. She just has Chrystal doing a lot of talking instead of actual cheerleading and she wasn't even in her cheerleading costume. I think Jen just completely misses the point sometimes.

I'm really happy with my film. I think it captures the essence of my typical day. I included quite a lot about Jen and also about Chrystal (actually in her cheerleading costume) so I think I'm going to get a really good mark.

So break out the popcorn, turn down the lights and turn up the volume to eleven. Sit back and enjoy "My Life By Marvin The Magnificent" - coming soon to a cinema near you.